How to Deal With a Problematic Child in Public

Problem Scenario 1: what to do when the shiny little apple of your eye is opening packages of tampons and throwing them at you in the middle of a Shoppers Drugmart aisle.

Solution: Get even. Forget about trying to reason with the little bugger (affectionate term I promise) since he/she clearly doesn’t understand reason or else they wouldn’t be throwing tampons at you while a small crowd of horrified onlookers gather around. Grab the nearest package of sanitary napkins (or pads as they are called in the streets) and have a little impromptu feminine hygiene products fight. By turning the situation around into a fun game you will have avoided properly disciplining your child and at the same time cultivate an image of the Fun Mom (!). You will most likely be kicked out of Shoppers but who the fuck cares since there are like 20 of them in one city. If you live in the suburbs it’ll be worth it to go into the next town to run your drugstore errands.

Problem Scenario 2: your child refuses to go to music class because he/she would rather sit and enjoy eating the slice of lemon poppy seed loaf at Starbucks.

Solution: I once heard a mother attempting a rationale debate with her stroller-bound 4 year old, trying to persuade him into abandoning his foolish idea of skipping music class in favour of relaxing at Starbucks. If you get into a similar situation please for the love of all that is sane and normal do not start a debate with your kid in front of other adults. It’s not cute and looks completely ridiculous if you’re trying to challenge the whims of a 4 year old. Really, is it that important that your little Mozart goes to music class to learn how to play the oboe or viola? Chances are the kid will not turn out to be a fucking musical genius so instead of wasting his precious time just kick up your Ugg® boots, grab a latte, and enjoy some quality time with your baby before he grows older and loses his cuteness.

Problem Scenario 3: your little tot is an explorer, likes adventure, and thus always leaves your side to go discovering all the time. So much so that you’ve decided to put him in a baby leash to not only keep him safe but also partake in his random wanderings. But wait, you’re getting weird looks from judgey parents who believe that kids should not be treated like dogs.

Solution: Simple really, implant a GPS tracker chip into the child and voila you’ll never have to wonder where little Marco Polo has gone. The Baby GPS also connects to your smartphone for instant access. I don’t like baby leashes, I mean it looks really messed up, but I also don’t like the idea of losing the kid as well – no one likes losing track of their kids. However, even as an adult I find myself learning new things from wandering around so I wholeheartedly endorse the Baby GPS. Your kid benefits from exploring and you won’t be labelled a bad parent for putting them in the baby leash. Win-win.

*The solutions recommended above are written for humorous purposes only and should not be attempted unless you’re prepared to go to jail or worse, incur the wrath of “serious” parents.

An Ode to Unemployment

I’ve been pretty lucky after grad: found a well-paying job right away, live in a decent-sized dwelling in the city, able to pay for non-Value Village clothes, and so on. Things were looking up for me in 2011. I was even, dare I say it, ball-tastically cocky with a smidge of yuppie-arrogant at my good fortune. But alas, my life at the middle was destined to be short-lived and by the end 2011, I found myself joining other university grads in the unemployment pool. Man I wish I could tell you guys that I lost my job because of a street-cred worthy reason like I was fired for punching a racist co-worker in the face, or given a pink slip (like so many others) as part of a forced org-restructuring due to the “the current economy.” All other reasons sound infinitely better than my situation, which was self-induced and prompted by yuppie arrogance and boredom. 

Despite the encroaching fear of not able to pay rent and experiencing WTF moments at the grocery store related to the sudden surge in price of avocados, unemployment has been quite a refreshing venture, mostly because it’s allowed me to revert back to my slothful undergrad days. Am I much happier and relaxed waking up at 11 am on weekdays? Am I lazy for wearing pyjamas and slippers all day, for three days in a row? You bet your sweet buns I am!

It’s also forced me to think about how to fill the extra time with projects I previously had no time for, such as learning to play the guitar, write that great Canadian novel, or sit idly at Starbucks in the middle of the day watching youtube videos. Now, I know what you guys are thinking. You’re thinking oh my god the purple banana has become a house-bound crazy recluse, one step short of getting a whole bunch of rescue cats to keep her company. Well, calm the fuck down. Although that scenario sounds appealing, I think my financial limitation, the fact that I currently have $1.36 in my pocket, makes it impossible to build my army of unholy cat minions. Yes I can’t play the guitar for shit but every time you strum the strings it sounds like pretty music so that’s okay. Yes I haven’t progressed beyond the fifth page in my novel (double-spaced) but…shut up. 

Anyway, with all the free time and no money I’ve also taken up wandering through the Toronto streets most mornings, exploring neighbourhoods that I previously didn’t know existed, like Leslieville in the Queen and Broadview area. And hello there are so many free things to do in Toronto like free entrance at the AGO on Wednesdays at 5pm and free movie screenings at the National Film Board where I saw a documentary about monarch butterflies, and yes I now know the crap out of butterflies! 

So if you find yourself unexpectedly without a secure steady source of income, I say get creative stupid and start doing things. Trust me, it kills the boredom. And refuse the urge to adopt cats.