Problem Scenario 1: what to do when the shiny little apple of your eye
is opening packages of tampons and throwing them at you in the middle of a
Shoppers Drugmart aisle.
Solution: Get even. Forget about trying to reason with the
little bugger (affectionate term I promise) since he/she clearly doesn’t
understand reason or else they wouldn’t be throwing tampons at you while a small
crowd of horrified onlookers gather around. Grab the nearest package of sanitary
napkins (or pads as they are called in the streets) and have a little impromptu
feminine hygiene products fight. By turning the situation around into a fun
game you will have avoided properly disciplining your child and at the same
time cultivate an image of the Fun Mom (!). You will most likely be kicked out
of Shoppers but who the fuck cares since there are like 20 of them in one city.
If you live in the suburbs it’ll be worth it to go into the next town to run
your drugstore errands.
Problem Scenario 2: your child refuses to go to music class because
he/she would rather sit and enjoy eating the slice of lemon poppy seed loaf at
Starbucks.
Solution: I once heard a mother attempting a rationale
debate with her stroller-bound 4 year old, trying to persuade him into abandoning
his foolish idea of skipping music class in favour of relaxing at Starbucks. If
you get into a similar situation please for the love of all that is sane and
normal do not start a debate with your kid in front of other adults. It’s not
cute and looks completely ridiculous if you’re trying to challenge the whims of
a 4 year old. Really, is it that important that your little Mozart goes to
music class to learn how to play the oboe or viola? Chances are the kid will not
turn out to be a fucking musical genius so instead of wasting his precious time
just kick up your Ugg® boots, grab a latte, and enjoy some quality time with
your baby before he grows older and loses his cuteness.
Problem Scenario 3: your little tot is an explorer, likes adventure,
and thus always leaves your side to go discovering all the time. So much so
that you’ve decided to put him in a baby leash to not only keep him safe but
also partake in his random wanderings. But wait, you’re getting weird looks from
judgey parents who believe that kids should not be treated like dogs.
Solution: Simple really, implant a GPS tracker chip into the
child and voila you’ll never have to wonder where little Marco Polo has gone. The
Baby GPS also connects to your smartphone for instant access. I don’t like baby
leashes, I mean it looks really messed up, but I also don’t like the idea of
losing the kid as well – no one likes losing track of their kids. However, even as an
adult I find myself learning new things from wandering around so I
wholeheartedly endorse the Baby GPS. Your kid benefits from exploring and
you won’t be labelled a bad parent for putting them in the baby leash.
Win-win.
*The solutions recommended above are written for humorous purposes
only and should not be attempted unless you’re prepared to go to jail or worse,
incur the wrath of “serious” parents.
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