Thoughts on the Importance of Besties, not to be confused with Frenemies or SFAM (Sista From Anotha Mutha)

An actual photo of me and my bestie

To my carefully selected besties, plucked from obscurity and placed centre stage in the horrifyingly embarrassing vaudeville show that I call my life, I acknowledge the immense part you have played in softening me into a semi-respectable person who can be semi-normal in public. And for understanding when I sometimes turn a social situation into an awkward mess but say "Hey, it's just part of my charm.” 

I recently started a new job working for The Man up in Corporate Canada. It’s a very uptight, businessey atmosphere, full of very “important-looking” people, going to very “important” places, eating very “important” lunches, and shitting very “important” shit.

I work in a female-dominated department within a company that's basically a giant boy's club. At first I was really excited about the prospect of working under so many ladies (*giggle). I mean it’s a great opportunity to work with successful, hard-working women, as a woman who someday hopes to be successful and hard-working herself. But after spending two weeks in this starchy blazer factory, I am just about ready to throw in my Woman’s Pass! Never have I met a group of women that make a career out of being professional bitches, or walking around with cunty-faces all day and think this is how powerful women have to behave. I’ve quickly realized that there is absolutely no way I can be real with these women. I can never truly be myself around them because to be myself and say what I really think, freely and openly, may actually get me fired. 

So what does this little anecdote, although clearly humorous and informative, have to do with best friends? Well lots so be patient! First, that the experience has taught me a valuable lesson on the importance of having a true bestie. And B, that feminism died when releasing sex tapes became the fastest way into celebdom. You even get your own reality TV show– Kim, I’m looking your way girl – so it’s safe to say that whatever remnant of Women’s Lib is left in this generation of ours is perhaps best spent on women who are actually worth being friends with. Don’t exhaust your energy trying to please cunty-faced women who would love an excuse to yank the fallopian tubes right out of you, rather than be your friend. 

But how does one know when one has a true bestie? Well, you kinda just know don’t you? Here’s my list, feel free to check off as you read through it:

•  You fart in front of your bestie(s) but try to cover it up by pretending you don’t smell the pungent fumes emanating from your butthole. They know you’re embarrassed so they rip one too.
• You ask “Have I gotten fat?” They respond something like “Yes a bit, but it makes your ass and tits look bigger so win-win!” Then you both go get burger and fries.
• They know that you’re purposely picking a fight, throwing a tantrum, and/or calling them a horrible friend because you’re PMS-ing, but they’ll never say it.
• Will go on midnight candy runs with you.
• Will never sleep with your ex- or current boyfriend, even after given permission.
• From time to time will say that your dad’s hot just to see you gag.
• Tells you when your underwear is showing.
•  Despite not owning a car, will nevertheless endure an hour of gross public transportation with you just to see you off at the airport.
•  Brings over a bottle of wine because you had a bad day at work.
•  Always lets you have the booth seat while they take the chair, just because they know you like booths better than chairs.
• Calls you out on your shit.
• Says that you’re an acquired taste.
• Will love you no matter how much you embarrass yourself.