Are you like me – the red-blooded, overflowing with ethnic passion purple banana – who thinks about sex every 10 minutes, as much as any man, maybe even more if WebMD is right? But hang on: do you also happen to work in a “respectable” office environment where you have to watch what you say around people in fear of offending someone? Where the slightest off the cuff remark along the lines of “that’s what she said” or “damn, I’d like to data entry him” can land you a date with Human Resources?
It’s a darn shame that we can’t openly talk about sex and sexy times at work. I blame our North American prudishness. I bet European offices talk about sex ALL THE TIME! (Totally guessing here; going by what I’ve picked up from BBC America and some really “what-the-hey” Danish movies). These are real problems people! At my last job, in Corporate Canada, I was lucky if I could say bossom louder than a hummingbird-pitch and not get judgemental looks. I have much more freedom at my new job, granted there are still office rules one must follow. Since the girl I share my office with is laid-back, funny, and completely crazy (so kind of like me), I don't feel that restraint any more, to constantly keep myself in check. But that doesn't mean I'm screaming "VAG" all the time either. You have to find a good balance.
The administrative stuff that we do can become boring really fast, so to keep ourselves entertained at work my friend and I talk shit all day, mostly about guys and almost entirely about sex. The naughty stuff that makes us giggle like a pair of school girls, we keep to a whisper. Sometimes we resort to using codes in case we’re overheard. Yeah, we're stealth like that.
My friend, who is leaving soon for a trip abroad, recently told me about a possible international booty call in the horizon, with her very hot friend that lives in another country. But she’s conflicted because the guy is close friends with her ex-boyfriend. Since the relationship with the ex ended badly, due in large part of him being an asshole, my friend is 80% okay with hooking up with Mr. International Hot Pants. I, ever eager to live vicariously through other people’s exploits, offer her some sage advice: “It’s vacation sex yo, it doesn’t count so go for it!” Realizing soon after that we can’t really talk about vacation sex at work, but desperate to keep the gutter chat going, we started using nearby pop cans to create a visual playbook of possible scenarios. I took pictures so you guys can partake in the story.
Cast of characters:
My friend - New white Coke
Mr. International Hot Pants - Coke Original (red can) because we established that he's robust and full of flavour
The Ex-boyfriend - Canada Dry because no one drinks ginger ale unless they're sick
Scenario 1
New Coke and Coke Original are reunited, while the Canada Dry looks on, shocked and full of despair
Scenario 2
Foreplay - he's eager to please
Scenario 3
Night of passion, New Coke is eager to jump on it!
Scenario 4
Vague attempt at a 69, it's awkward so they go back to more foreplay
Scenario 5
No night of passion is complete without a little spooning afterwards
Scenario 6
Coke Original takes her out sightseeing. They hold hands. But unbeknownst to the couple, they have an observer
You're not imagining things re: Europeans...my best friend organized a nude calendar as a fundraiser at his workplace. Very "Calendar Girls" shots, but still! It was him, his boss, and his coworkers all gettin' nekkid for the camera. Ooh lala!
ReplyDeleteLet me just pack my bags and say adios to this place man! Who needs health benefits here when you can have nekkid calendars in an European office.
ReplyDelete